Why Arguments Aren’t the Problem: It’s How You Fight That Matters
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. Whether it’s about money, parenting, or whose turn it is to do the dishes, disagreements are a normal part of life. But here’s the key: it’s not the fact that you fight—it’s how you fight that determines the health of your relationship.
The Myth of the Perfect Relationship
Many people believe that healthy couples don’t argue. In reality, conflict is necessary for growth. Terry Real, a leading relationship expert, says, “Healthy couples fight—they just fight fair.”
The Right Way to Fight
So, what does a healthy fight look like? Here are some essential tips for managing conflict:
1. Focus on the Problem, Not the Person
Attacking your partner’s character (criticism) shifts the focus away from the issue and onto blame. Instead, describe the problem without personal attacks. Example:
Criticism: “You’re so selfish. You never think about me.”
Healthy: “I feel unimportant when my needs aren’t considered.”
2. Stay Calm
When emotions run high, it’s easy to say things you don’t mean. Take a deep breath, count to ten, or step away for a moment to calm down before continuing the conversation.
3. Listen to Understand
Most arguments escalate because neither partner feels heard. Practice active listening by summarizing what your partner says before responding.
4. Don’t Aim to “Win”
In a relationship, winning an argument often means losing emotional connection. Shift your goal from being right to being close.
Repairing After a Fight
Even healthy fights can leave behind emotional bruises. That’s why repair is so important. A sincere apology and a commitment to change go a long way in healing hurt feelings.
